Who Am I? What Is my mission here, if I have one? Why I feel paralyzed?
I need to go within. It is difficult when you feel you are running out of time. Feeling like you are in a race all the time but at the same time doing nothing to win. I don’t even know if I can win. I may loose. I don’t like feeling this way. Challenged? No. Abused? Yes, but no, the answer is: Feeling I am not enough.
I need to treat me with kindness, care, love, patience, understanding. Loving myself like a child, but the world around me most of the time is not so kind. Lately I been feeling a shift, a change, a pause. To balance, organize, recognize, time to be still. While inside, my heart is beating like I am in a race to death. Running for my life, but still looking quiet in the outside.
Sometimes I sing, scream, cast spells of prosperity. Sometimes I watch something to give me advantages, but again, there comes this feeling inside of me, don’t abuse yourself. You don’t have to believe everyone else history to live your life. I meditate quickly like I am in a hurry because I am always in a hurry while for others I can look like a sloth 🦥 or a do-nothing.
I’ve found there is no time and death is not the end.
Why then I run from fear? Is it making me do it? Or it is something created by myself, from my lack of understanding, knowledge, or faith and trust? Am I running from who I don’t want to be?
Why would I be someone else than who I think I am? Is my thinking going to change with time like it did in the past? For how many more transformations, deaths and rebirths do I have to go? Is there a paradise, a safe heaven? Will I then still remain one indivisible being, never changed, always righteous beam of light?
That to me doesn’t sound like it’s what is going to happen. I think there will be changes. New things we will get adapted to. New challenges, new wars, new things to look at, analyze. I don’t know all that is, obviously, it is impossible for my limited self to manage everything, the way it’s show now. I am glad I live with more people on this planet. I don’t know why some people could do evil, but I pray for them to understand there is a better way to live, by doing the less harm possible.
I like to believe there is a way to get out of misery, suffering, anger, pain, poverty, anxiety, depression, feeling suicidal. I like to believe that people can change to be more at peace with everyone and themselves, that there is always a reason for why things happen in ways that we don’t expect them to be. Sometimes that reason can be quickly understood or sometimes we may take long enough to see how we always try to make sense out of things.
The stubborn and the easy-going. What character will work better?
Some walk the middle path, but sometimes we lean to one more than the other, and it’s ok, that is how balance works. I don’t want to sound like a teacher, because the original idea was to share my feelings. For now let us formulate the questions allowing the all mighty God to bring the answers. Maybe they are already inside of us waiting to be revealed, accessing through the pertinent doors. I pray, please God, guide us through what we can’t see.
“There is nothing you may do wrong to go off the path. You are always in me, connected to me. You have the power to turn things around, no matter where you are or what the situation is. Just bring your attention to me and talk to me with your heart and mind. I am listening. I am omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient.”